Vision Board

Every song played

a silent Incantation

Hummed through a throat choked

On remorse

And love

They are the same language now

Challenging the moon

And her dark side

As I always have

To bring you home to me

To break the rules for me

If I could break the tides

In your summoning circle drawn with

Lines of cocaine

I place pot

Funky socks

Hair dye

The spotlight

I never remember the final ingredient

As you are white lightning in snow

Drifting on the next inhale

Was it abandonment issues?

Regret in choices?

Was it compassion and love?

That’s the problem with my spell

I spent so much time trying to name you

Now looking to the window of the past

For a keyhole to a future

I can no longer ask

I stopped asking your name

Insanity

I smile

You can’t hear the choke in my voice

And you ignore the water in my eyes

I tell you it’s rabies, or a stroke

Because I am ashamed

Are you tired of my sickness?

The 3:00 a.m. howling of night terrors

Demons raping the broken bits

Of an already destroyed soul

That one singularity that kept me together

That collapsed me

That hope of a future

I am a poorly rendered image

Of corrupted data

The projection of what

Who this 12 year old boy was supposed to be

Such headaches, focused into my temporal lobes

Trying to break spacetime

All I need is a flux capacitor and 1.21 Gigawatts

Or to succumb to the madness

I was born into this world fighting

Feet first I said i wasn’t ready

Anxiety festered for nine months

My twin, a monster

I ate my twin

They ripped me from the womb

Like that dude that could kill MacBeth

I still don’t want to be now

I could be before, or then

But not now. Not now.

The definition of insanity is ofttimes quoted

As doing the same thing

Expecting different results

I keep living

Expecting to like it.

I don’t.

A lament

It flutters in the vail of night

When your voice was my heartbeat

My blood thick with memories

Where your arms once wrapped

The pale of anxiety rests comfortably

And though exhaustion gnaws at me

I fight the release

Like a breath too long held

But the scent too savory to exhale

Afterglow long faded

Like a worn 90s black light party

The stains of our love visible

When all light is gone

And silence rings like the clarion bell

I know what I must do.

Stoned.

“I will hold you” I say. Thinking they’ll pull me up from the other side.

They keep me for a time, until that time when they’ve climbed as high as they can… as they want to, with me.

I am the bridge of happiness, forged in grief and despair. I collapse only under the weight of myself, while the burden of others’ fortifies me.

I resent them, after a time. I built this bridge, lustrous, expansive, nigh indestructible.

I resent myself, actually. My flaw is being flawless.

I can carry any weight that is not my own.

I am the stepping stone to happiness.

I will help you find yourself, through happiness or pain. I don’t know how to ask for the same, but I rust away.

Weather worn, I will be a monument to emotional baggage, the envy of airports.

I am the stepping stone. You’re grateful when you need me. And only when you need me.